Monday, November 28, 2011

Number 6

I don't really know how this happened for sure, but my six year old is in love with Justin Bieber.  She kept telling me how she loved Justin Beaver.  We tried to demonstrate how to actually pronounce his name, but she didn't care.  So anyhoo, I felt compelled to spend too much money on the napkins, plates, cups, and balloons.  She did end up eating that huge piece of cake, but she had to take a break half way through.  I can't believe I let her eat all of that partially hydrogenated stuff that they undoubtedly make the icing out of!  :0)

I didn't want to be like everyone else and do a Thankful post, but I do have lots to be thankful for and I hope everyone had a good holiday!

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Am A Bit Sad

Do you want to know why I tell other people about what happened?  Because they listen when I talk. Because they don't attack me in an effort to confuse me so much that I forget what the problem was in the first place and believe that the real problem is me.  Because other people don't try to compete with me for my daughter's affection.  Because other people don't talk shit about you. 

I am sad.  I am sad that you have hurt my family in such a way that you will probably never even want to understand. You have hurt us and think that you are right to do so.  You have caused us pain and seem to enjoy that fact.  And I am sad because now, now that I've grown up, I would never try to hurt you that way.  Even the times that I did hurt you, if you can even be hurt, I had other intentions in mind, and knowing that hurts me.  You act as though, I feel as though, you want everything to be my fault.  This is how you want it to be, but it was never what I wanted.  I wanted only for you to return the love and acceptance that I naively gave to you, because that is what I was supposed to do, that is what I was programmed by nature to do.  And you want this all to be my fault as you provide a united front against the "attack" from a five year old-whom " he will never  touch again," only so that you don't have to take responsibility for what you have done, for the pain you have caused.  

I want to understand the fear that causes you to act this way, but I do not.  I told my husband that if he'd been the one to hurt her, she and I would live in my car before I let him do it again.  And he said, "Rightfully so."  But you are not strong enough to understand that and I am sad.  I am sad that the person whom I most modeled my life on turned out, despite all that ranting, to be so weak.  I am sad that when I stepped out into the light you absolutely refused to follow.  What are you so afraid of?  Are you afraid I'll hate you? Something I could never, even now, do?  Or are you afraid I'll still love you?

At this juncture it looks like whatever I do, I lose.  Either I lose the respect of my daughter or I lose my parents' acceptance.  I know which one I choose, but I am sad that I have to, that you would both ask me to.  We have so little time left together, if you think about it.  I hope there is a path ahead that I am unable to see right now, but I fear there is not.  I choose the unconditional love of my daughter, who will either be hurt because I let her go with you again, or she will be hurt because I don't.

All the things that have upset me in the past, although are examples perhaps of what we are going through now, mean nothing to me now.  I have only one issue.  My daughter went to your house for the weekend and she came back different. I can't tell her it was nothing to be scared about, because I don't know, and you know why I don't know. There is really nothing for me to fix.  It's for the two of you to do.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Here's a picture of the custom order I made a while back.  I planned on listing it but I haven't made another set yet, and I just don't think I'd get it done very quickly if someone happened to want one, so I'll wait until next year I guess.


Monday, November 14, 2011


We got the house cleaned up yesterday.  It seems terrible on some level to want a clean floor and the laundry done more than to want to take the time to breast feed my baby.  But even bottle feeding takes a lot of time apparently.  I feel so less cluttered and dirty in my mind now too-now that the house is cleaned that is. And Mike let me sleep through the night Friday and you would not believe the world of difference it seems to have had!  Yay! 

So, today, I'm going to try and get some bean soup and bread made.  We'll see what happens.
:D  Laugh, laugh, laugh! 

I think I'll wait and get the etsy stuff going in January.  I really hope the economy doesn't get worse. For various reasons.  I hope Mike gets a raise soon.  :)

Friday, November 11, 2011

I'm So Tired of All the Pee!

Well if I'm not going to breastfeed, then I need to make up for it by using my time wisely.  Right?  Or should I just lay back, relax and enjoy my children?  I don't know.  Anyway I have my first sinus headache of the season and I'd really like to go to the grocery store. I hate being broke and owing doctors and hospitals a lot of money.  (Soap for sale!)

To all those people who rioted at Penn State:  if you use your position of authority to protect a rapist, you get what you get.  Jeebus. I understand you're disappointed in your hero, but get used to it.  Life is like that.  Events usually unfold to reveal that your hero, is after all, human.  It's sad, but it happens everyday.  Be your own hero.

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on all those youngsters though.  Everyone has to learn in their own way, I guess.  I just get tired of people feeling sorry for powerful men at the expense of helpless victims.  It's insane. (The following statements are sarcastic in meaning.) Oh, you poor grown man.  It's not like you should have known better.  I bet that ten-year-old would've overpowered you had you not raped him.  You must have been so scared of that ten-year-old!  And poor Joe.  He must have been so scared to ask more questions than he did.  It's hard to believe grad students.  They are always running around talking crazy. 

Okay.  I'm done with the sarcasm, but not the disgust. I mean if you conclude that something inappropriate happened, but it just wasn't to the extent that was first brought to your attention, didn't, then, something inappropriate still happen?

Anyway enough with the current events, I need to get showered if I am going to go anywhere today. 


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Maternal Love is a Complex Thing

I haven't given up on breastfeeding, but I'm afraid poor little Linus has.  He is just so hungry.  I'm trying to decide what to best expend my energy on.  He seems so much happier with a bit of formula in him. Or perhaps because the delivery system is faster.  I don't know.  It's also easier for me to get up with him at night if I don't have to spend an hour and a half feeding him each time.  

I'm also concerned about the fatigue induced indifference that I feel towards him at times.  He always looks so worried and I want so much to reassure him.  But sometimes I just lay there and listen to him cry because I don't want to get up.  I feel like I'm in a depression medication commercial.  And I feel like I failed.  Again.  I failed at something I wanted to do.  Except that I have found that I don't want to do it all the time.  I'm just a big bag of contradictions I guess.  

To end on a happier note:  He's growing and he's started to coo and smile a little.  He looks around a lot.  At least now Molly can feed him sometimes. :)


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Halloween Pictures

I actually got about six hours of sleep last night!  Yay!  I'm having trouble mentally, emotionally, physically keeping up with how much this kid needs to eat.  I have plenty of milk, but just not the energy.  So, I've been supplementing.  The upside, he sleeps so good.  :0)

Here's a couple pics from Trick or Treating. 

Poor little Linus peed his pants and got upset and had to quit trick or treating early.  Then Daddy tried to feed him and he threw up.  But Molly had a good time and got lots of candy.