Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Orange Kitten

When I was about ten, we lived next door to my grandmother.  She had two female cats, that I guess it never occurred to anyone to get fixed.  The two cats, Snowball and Patches, were constantly having kittens.  I picked out an orange tabby that summer.  Actually I'm a bit confused on the chronology.  I know I was at least ten and it was very sunny.  So, I'm going with the summer I was ten, possibly the summer after, when I was eleven. 

This orange kitten never got a name, or if it did, I've forgotten it. Anyhow, it was mine. It would come up to the back door and attach itself to the screen and mew.  I don't really know why we couldn't just let the cat in the house, but I was constantly trying to get it stay down and shut up.  One afternoon, my older brother by four years opened the back door, removed the cat and threw it out into the yard.  It picked itself up and came running back to the door.  My brother walked off to his room or wherever.  The cat reattached itself to the screen door.  I did as my brother had done, and threw the cat out into the yard.  

When the kitten left my hand something inside me was released with it.  It was one of the most disturbing feelings, to throw a part of yourself away like that, as if it mattered not in the least.  I watched as the kitten landed on its head.  It picked itself up, shook it's head a little, and walked away.  It didn't come back to the door.  

A day or two later my mother came into my room to tell me that my grandmother had found my kitten dead in her back yard.  

With a bit of smirk, she said, "She was afraid you'd be upset."

Her smirk said, to me, "But I know you're not upset over a silly little cat, right?"  

After all, it was just a cat.  There'd be plenty more in the years to come, ones that got names, but always seemed to run away. 

I believed my mom. I didn't get upset.  I just filed it away under the heading "Deal With Later."  It became so easy to slip bits and pieces away in that file over the years. I have only in the past few years been sorting through that file that has grown so large.  Recently I came across the orange kitten, the one that I killed.

I know that I killed that cat.  And most of the time I'm okay with that.  In the big, grand scheme of things, it was just a cat, and I was just a kid. It's not that I don't value that life now, but when you hold it up to the atrocities of history, it doesn't seem so bad.  I'm okay with what I've done, because I think I learned from that moment when a piece of me, of who I was, got thrown out the backdoor with that orange kitten.  

I wanted to be like my brother.  I wanted to please my mother.  This event didn't happen in a vacuum, and I'm not making excuses anymore for anyone.  I'm starting with myself.  I killed that cat.  I'm responsible for that.  I get it. I don't ever want to be responsible for anything so heinous again.  May my children never know what it is like to throw pieces of themselves away.  That is my only wish.  Because, while perhaps you can argue that I was led to that back door, I am the one that let go of myself.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Oh, How I've Missed the Daily Trips to Pre-K!

Yesterday sucked.  I had a sinus headache that made me extra dizzy, and so, of course, I threw up. :0(

But overall things are going well.  I had my screening on Tuesday for the genetic defects and everything came back fine.  My phone was on silent somehow, so they called Mike and told him that we had a really low chance of such problems.  I'm very grateful, as I wasn't sure what I would do if it turned out differently.  

We did get some neat pictures at the ultrasound. 

 When I started this blog, I never meant for it to be a mommy blog. I hope I haven't crossed any lines.  Sometimes I just don't know what else to write about.  My days aren't that interesting, and I can only write about politics so much.  I hardly ever read anymore. I really just watch Murder She Wrote and put off doing the dishes all day.  :0)  It seems like there are plenty of people out there waxing the philosophical about what it's like to be a mother though, so I really see no need to add to that conversation at the moment.  All I can say is, it's hard and wonderful all at the same time.  I guess, also, because of the pregnancy, my brain is not working the way I am used to.  I am about to come out on the other side of the first trimester though, and I am hoping that means I will start feeling better.  I am sad that when I try to pick up Molly my arms scream out, "No! We can't do that anymore!"  I guess I will soon have a new baby to hold, but I fail to see how it will replace her, my first born that I would die and kill for.  :0)  Growing up can be so bittersweet. 


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Worst Week Yet

On the morning sickness front, worst week yet.  Haven't wanted to do anything.  Anything.  And Monday had a sinus headache on top with a bad cough.  I slept most of the day while Molly watched Dragon Tails. I did manage to take Molly to the park yesterday.  I hope today isn't too bad.  I haven't been able to eat my proteins either.  Just the thought of chicken makes me want to puke, let alone the smell.  And the seasonings--uggh!  Chicken fried steak is good though.   And fish.  But last night I ate salad with no dressing, and plain spaghetti noodles.  Yum.  

I haven't been keeping up too much with the Libya thing because it just angers me.  I am glad though that we-as a world community-have decided to intervene.  It was getting too hard to stand around and watch that shit going down without doing anything about it.  Having said that though, I am concerned with how easy it is for us Americans to be okay with spending so much money on war and then to resent at the very same time every penny that is spent on our own people.  I'm just saying, perhaps we could tone down some of the military spending.  I don't have any specific ideas because I don't know that much about what the money is spent on, and I certainly would not condone endangering the lives of the soldiers and other military personnel.  Or lowering their pay or benefits.  (Geez, what else is left? I don't know.)  But the wealth of this country was built on the backs of my grandparents' generation, and I don't think cutting their Medicare and Social Security benefits is the answer.  I think we owe them, at the very least, the opportunity to live out the last years of their life with dignity, and with as little discomfort as possible. And the babies, don't forget the babies. :0)

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I feel that those of us in a position to add money to the social security pot ought to do so without grudge and vote to protect the benefits so that they may be there for us. I keep thinking what would happen to Molly and I and the unborn baby if Mike were to get hit by some jerk on a cell phone while riding his bike home from work.  I know the social security benefits wouldn't pay for everything, but it would sure help.  

I think I just get tired of hearing people complain about how much they have to pay in taxes when they are doing very well overall.  And then those same people overlook all the ways in which they have already benefited from the system, ways in which they could never have afforded themselves. And this whole tea party thing is all about dismantling a system that those people have used so that future generations won't be able to use it.  It just seems selfish and irresponsible. Not to mention morally reprehensible.  But if that's the legacy you wish to leave behind, I guess, go ahead. :(

Dammit, Sleeping Beauty just knocked over a bunch of crap. :(

One last note, I'm sure the Red Cross would love a few small donations to help out Japan.  I have a friend who used to work for the Red Cross and she said that if you designate where you want your donation spent they have to use it for that purpose, but they hardly ever get donations for the administrative costs.  My point being, I'm sure whatever and wherever you want to give will be greatly appreciated.   I sent a small donation myself wishing I could send more.

Anyway, because I'm only doing one blog post this week, I have to fit in as much stuff that is on my mind as possible.  And I just keep thinking about this.  I don't really care what people do, but there is something icky about this. I used to not think that much about the whole stripper thing, but the older I get the more I just don't like it.  And since I'm not a Christian, I don't really care how people choose to honor god.  That's their business.  However, there is something about legitimizing pole dancing and making it "fun" and something that everyone should do that doesn't sit right with me.  Disagree with me if you want.  I'm certainly not a prude, and I don't like to make a lot judgments about  sexual morality, but I find this disturbing all the same.  The only thing that I can really say is that I don't think pole dancing is cool, not for money or for Jesus.

Anyway, I hope that covers everything.  :0)

Have a good weekend! 

Friday, March 11, 2011


Yeah, still laying around all day.  Slept hard until ten this morning.  My poor girl was starving.  I got to get on the ball again. :0)  

I'm excited though. Seeing the ultra sound made the pregnancy seem a bit more real.  Molly's drawings, while cute, weren't doing it for me.  She keeps drawing a little person with hair and all inside the drawing of me.  She's so excited.  I wonder how long before the resentment starts. :0)

Spring break is next week and the week after.  I think I'm going to go easy on the blogging next week, as I think we have plans all week.  Still have to do some knitting though.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

It's Official

I went to the doctor yesterday and got confirmation that I'm pregnant.  :0)  I got loaded up with prenatal vitamin samples and formula that expires three weeks after the baby is tentatively due. Because I have blocked out all memories of periods and dates of sex, etc.  we aren't sure when the baby is due, but we are saying October 9 for now.  I get an ultrasound tomorrow to get a better idea. In a couple weeks I will get a screening for the Down's Syndrome, Fragile X, etc.  For now, I just hope the screening comes out okay, because those sound like hard decisions. 

Because of the fatigue, it has been too easy to sit around watching tv, instead of getting things done.  There are newspapers all over the living room floor, mostly because that dang cat likes to chew on all sorts of paper products. Poor Mike didn't make it to clean the living room on his list this weekend.  

Because of the motion sickness I have felt unable to knit.  However, the other day, I decided to make myself do it anyway.  I have learned that I can sit around and watch tv and feel dizzy or I can sit around knitting and feel dizzy.  It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I'll be dizzy anyway.  So, screw it, I'll get back on the knitting.  I have a couple baby gifts to finish for a friend, and then I'll get back on it with the etsy stuff.  

I did order some cotton yarn on etsy to make wash cloths for the baby.  :0)  I also found a big sister shirt on etsy, but it's 25 dollars so I may try and make my own. I also have a pattern for knitted baby pants that I think I will make for the baby.  I also have plans for making some diapers and diaper covers.  So, I have lots to do, and I can't let the morning sickness interfere in my work habits anymore!  

Molly was so excited when I picked her up from school because she got to ride on the bus!


Monday, March 7, 2011

The Dirty Diaper Blues

Molly is watching Elmo's Potty Time.  Actually, she wanted to watch it with her "baby".  I asked her if the baby was ready to potty train and she was alllll, "No." I guess it's never too soon to start talking about it.  :0)

I have to say that tomorrow Molly is going on her first field trip.  The principal of the school is taking all the good kids to go bowling and to eat pizza at Hideaway Pizza.  I'm so proud of her.  :0)  She's all excited about it and I told her she might get to ride on a bus.  She's been telling me all year that she wants to go to daycare so she can ride a bus.  But then she also likes to walk to school.  There are so many possibilities open to her; I'm a bit jealous. She got an application in the mail for the Dove Science Academy, and Mike and I decided to apply.  But she doesn't want to change schools and even got all upset about it. I feel bad because I don't want to make her, but I know she can't see the big picture right now.  I'm pretty sure that this is one of those opportunities that we will all regret not taking advantage of later on in life.  I'm pretty sure that no matter what we decide she'll hate us at some point for it, so I guess we'll just follow our gut.  I think the peer group would be a better influence on her later on down the line, as well.  I hate to be a snob and all, but I see some definite potential problems in at least one kid.  But, if she doesn't get in yet, she'll be fine where she is for a few years as well.  Like everyone else in the world, I just want what's best for my baby. ;0)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My Husband Is Awesome

After a month of crazy snow and many flat tires, Mike is riding his bike to work again.  He's also been making dinner a lot while I stand around whining about my stomach.  Last night he did some laundry.  He gave Molly a bath too, again while I complained about my stomach.  He doesn't seem to mind either.  He's not always super cheerful about it, but he doesn't complain.  And he keeps asking me what he can do for me.  Except what I'd really like to be done, can't be done, I just have to wait out the fatigue and indigestion, two things I really hate dealing with.  These are not the only reasons I love Mike, but they sure are nice.   Oh, yeah, he cleaned the house on Saturday too.

So, with Mike as my example, I will get my To Do List out and try to motivate myself just a bit.  

Thank you, My Love!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Forgot To Put the Trash Out By the Curb For the Third Week In a Row

There are so many things going on in my head that I just don't know how to sort it all out sometimes.  I went through a lot emotionally right before and right after Christmas and I do feel like I have come out on the other side with that.  I know that I've done nothing wrong.  I know that no one but Mike and I have the right to be in Molly's life and it is a privilege for anyone else to be a part of her life, even if that person thinks otherwise.  Molly is so dependent on me to do what is right for her. I can only do the best I can.  I'm just disappointed that the person I was once so dependent on never saw things the way I see them.  That person believes she should not take what Molly says seriously.  She even provided me with more examples of other times when she didn't take what Molly said seriously, as though that justified it, examples that I did take seriously.  How is a kid supposed to learn to trust her own experiences if the important people in her life blow her experiences off as inconsequential? I'm just so disappointed. 

However, I also have a lot to be excited about.  I have a supportive, loving husband and a wonderful, smart, beautiful, self-confident daughter.  I look forward to many happy years with them.  I also think there will be an addition to the family around mid to late October, although I haven't been to the doctor yet, and I feel a little worried about what's really going on in there. :0)
I suppose that's normal.  Or not.  I don't know.  Trying to hold back on the excitement until I know things are progressing the way they should. 

Years ago, I realized that I was tired of being unhappy.  I decided I wanted it all, everything that I could get in the time that I had left.  I didn't mean material things, but I wanted to live instead of hiding behind my self-doubt.  It's been a long journey and sometimes I don't think I'd have made it without Mike and Molly.  It's unfortunate that my happiness and the fulfillment of my desires has come at a high price, but I think I always knew that someday I would have to pay it.  I guess I just had to wait until I was strong enough.  And there was, it seems now, an even higher price to pay for not living the fulfilling life that I desired to live. I guess it all fell into place when it was supposed to, but sometimes I think of all the time I wasted being angry about things that didn't matter and pretending the things that did matter didn't mean anything. 

I think, also of the end of Trainspotting, when he says, "I choose life." 

I choose life.