Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Maternal Love is a Complex Thing

I haven't given up on breastfeeding, but I'm afraid poor little Linus has.  He is just so hungry.  I'm trying to decide what to best expend my energy on.  He seems so much happier with a bit of formula in him. Or perhaps because the delivery system is faster.  I don't know.  It's also easier for me to get up with him at night if I don't have to spend an hour and a half feeding him each time.  

I'm also concerned about the fatigue induced indifference that I feel towards him at times.  He always looks so worried and I want so much to reassure him.  But sometimes I just lay there and listen to him cry because I don't want to get up.  I feel like I'm in a depression medication commercial.  And I feel like I failed.  Again.  I failed at something I wanted to do.  Except that I have found that I don't want to do it all the time.  I'm just a big bag of contradictions I guess.  

To end on a happier note:  He's growing and he's started to coo and smile a little.  He looks around a lot.  At least now Molly can feed him sometimes. :)



  1. Its OK. So many times with both Luke and Xand I felt so utterly bereft of any feeling at all by exhaustion. The hardest thing is he is trapped in a body he cannot control, driven by urges he doesnt understand and cannot communicate. But soon, he will smile, and giggle, and it will all be worth it.

  2. It's already worth it when he's sleeping. :) I guess I was just more euphoric with Molly and I seem to be missing the intensity of that this time around. But it's still amazing.