Last year my New Year's Resolution was to -drum roll please- lose weight of course. And I did lose about ten pounds. My victory however, has been in the fact that I have not gained it back. That makes me happy. I would like to lose about fifteen more, but since my boobs are bigger and my hips wider, I'm not sure how low to go. But Molly and I will be walking to school again starting next week and I am actually getting excited about the idea of dropping at least a few pounds.
But that's not the New Year's Resolution that I care so much about. I have decided after reading this post on a blog that I stumbled across at some point and enjoy reading, that I am no longer going to be a coward. I will speak my mind. If this Aunt Becky can make it through having an autistic son and a daughter who had to have brain surgery as a baby, then surely I can overcome my own issues. And while I'm still hesitant to give out details, because I'm not completely certain that I know all the details, I would like to say a few things.
I know now why I've always been so full of self-doubt. When the people you look up to the most continuously argue with you and tell you that the things you know are real aren't real, you don't question those people. You doubt you're own ability to judge the world. When every move you make is wrong, with a few seemingly random rights thrown in, you doubt yourself. That is until you grow up. At some point, all those moments that should have been guided by compassion and understanding come back. They are looked at anew. You can fool a five year old. You cannot fool a thirty-five year old, because the truth has always been there, waiting to see the light.
There are other people who have had much worse experiences than me, and I don't pretend to know what it's like for those people, but this has always served as a sense of guilt on my part. But I wasn't beaten-and I am grateful for that- but I wasn't raped or belittled in public etc.-and I am grateful that things weren't worse than they were. However, I will no longer use those things as a measuring stick. If something is wrong, it is wrong, no matter the severity.
There are people in this world that I will always, always, love. I can't help it. But I won't let those people determine my sense of reality anymore. And I won't let them throw that love back in my face. And I will-and have-created something new in my life. And I will live the way I want. And from now on I will say what I want on my blog. I'm sure I will make mistakes and I'm sure I will misunderstand things, but I will do it with love and boldness, not cowardice and timidity. That is what I am looking forward to in the new year. I invite all to join me!