Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Forgot To Put the Trash Out By the Curb For the Third Week In a Row

There are so many things going on in my head that I just don't know how to sort it all out sometimes.  I went through a lot emotionally right before and right after Christmas and I do feel like I have come out on the other side with that.  I know that I've done nothing wrong.  I know that no one but Mike and I have the right to be in Molly's life and it is a privilege for anyone else to be a part of her life, even if that person thinks otherwise.  Molly is so dependent on me to do what is right for her. I can only do the best I can.  I'm just disappointed that the person I was once so dependent on never saw things the way I see them.  That person believes she should not take what Molly says seriously.  She even provided me with more examples of other times when she didn't take what Molly said seriously, as though that justified it, examples that I did take seriously.  How is a kid supposed to learn to trust her own experiences if the important people in her life blow her experiences off as inconsequential? I'm just so disappointed. 

However, I also have a lot to be excited about.  I have a supportive, loving husband and a wonderful, smart, beautiful, self-confident daughter.  I look forward to many happy years with them.  I also think there will be an addition to the family around mid to late October, although I haven't been to the doctor yet, and I feel a little worried about what's really going on in there. :0)
I suppose that's normal.  Or not.  I don't know.  Trying to hold back on the excitement until I know things are progressing the way they should. 

Years ago, I realized that I was tired of being unhappy.  I decided I wanted it all, everything that I could get in the time that I had left.  I didn't mean material things, but I wanted to live instead of hiding behind my self-doubt.  It's been a long journey and sometimes I don't think I'd have made it without Mike and Molly.  It's unfortunate that my happiness and the fulfillment of my desires has come at a high price, but I think I always knew that someday I would have to pay it.  I guess I just had to wait until I was strong enough.  And there was, it seems now, an even higher price to pay for not living the fulfilling life that I desired to live. I guess it all fell into place when it was supposed to, but sometimes I think of all the time I wasted being angry about things that didn't matter and pretending the things that did matter didn't mean anything. 

I think, also of the end of Trainspotting, when he says, "I choose life." 

I choose life.

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