So, at New Year's this year I was all ready to take over the world. I knew where my self doubt came from, and that it did not actually have anything to do with me or my abilities, but rather with the fact that I believed in the wrong people throughout my life. It sucks and it still makes me a little sad, but it stopped. I stopped listening to those people and repeating to myself the things they said (and didn't say) to me.
Then I found myself playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook for hours. Am I depressed? I thought. Then I found that things started tasting funny. One night when I asked why the chicken strips my husband so lovingly made for dinner tasted faintly of poop, he said, "You are too pregnant."
Last year I spent a lot of time learning about etsy and blogging and trying experiments with the knitting. And I did learn a lot. But I also held back a lot. I don't want to make a million dollars, I said to myself. I just want something to do, and to possibly add to the family income. And the excuses kept coming.
And I did stop making excuses... until the listlessness and fatigue of the first trimester hit.
Here's the good news. Fourteenth week this week, which means most of the fatigue and gassyness has dissipated. I'm ready. And you know, I do look ahead to October and think, oh the work in involved with the baby. But Molly will be in school all day then. And much as I have loved staying home with my girl, and much as I will love staying home with the next one, this is not the end of what I want to be. And I'm pretty sure I still don't want to work for the man. So, more sacrifice is needed to live the life I want to live. I still feel a little timid about all the things I have yet to learn, but I'm ready. I just have to find a way to fit things into an already busy schedule. That's all.
Oh, happy day!